My ex-girlfriend says she’s single and contented, what a lie!

“So my friend Musumba Zak recently chucked his long term sweetheart Abwooli for an unnamed Mukiga girl whom he purportedly intends to get married. Well, as if that was news. We all saw it coming from day one. Don’t ask me how? We shall leave such answers to our friend Jason who is prophetic.

Anyways, I stumbled on Abwooli the other day as I was making my rounds in what is left of Owino market (FYI, I was not purchasing clothes, I had gone to crack a deal. Don’t shake your head like that, it was a land deal.)

So, I bumped into Abwooli and I actually had not recognised her! She has put on quite some weight and her skin is as depicted by those women in Movit adverts. Well, it was honestly a weird moment for me, since she blamed me for diverting my friend Musumba Zak from her to my cousin the Mukiga girl. I think Musumba told you about that lengthy whatsapp message she sent, accusing me of interesting Musumba in computer games like Mortal Kombat, Call of Duty and FIFA, knowing that the Mukiga girl likes computer games too. Mbu Musumba now did not have time to crack her ribs with his stories, but always wanted to play “cartoons” on tv. What Musumba didn’t tell you is that I never read the whole message. I just read the first two lines and then put a smiley as a reply. (Don’t we all?)

Anyway, Abwooli told me she was now happily single and content. Of course she realised I was staring at her skin and told me that the good thing about being single is that you have time for yourself alone and not some other chap who doesn’t even care about you. Mbu she now doesn’t have to cook and can eat KFC everyday. (As if I don’t know that there is “Kyankazi Food Centre” in Owino? Agayaye!)

Mbu she even had time now to visit all her relatives that she had chucked to spend time with Musumba. She told me benefit after benefit until I almost called my other half to tell her that I was joining Abwooli and Olara Otunnu in the club of singles. Anyways, since my time for the deal was almost done, I remarked that I had to proceed to my other ventures. Of course I didn’t ask her what she was doing downtown since I thought single people go to Select Garments so as to win over other unsuspecting people. But Abwooli seemed to be doing well. So my friend Musumba Zak, maybe you should consider Abwooli again. Besides, she used to be a good cook, while your Mukiga girl has beaten me enough times in street battles on Call of Duty Black Ops.”

We all know Abwooli is lying and even if she grew fat after chucking me, all I know is that she is not doing well. Papa Herman can think whatever he wants but I will never go back to Abwooli. Never! I will stay with my Mukiga girl till death do us part.

Related: An open love letter to that girl who promised “to tell me something”